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  • Writer's pictureChelsea Joy Arganbright

The Queen's Code

I've begun reading a book called The Queen's Code which tells a story of women and men conversing to get to the meat of what makes men and women inherently different and why this is important to recognise for healthier, happier relationships. I adore it so far and want to share the highlights!

“Women are instinctively motivated by perfection, and the need to be perceived as perfect enough to be pleasing — and therefore, protected and provided for. But not too perfect so as to cause jealousy in other women. This is the source of our drive to improve ourselves, and our fear of standing out at the same time.” (p. 56)

“Castrating men is the foundation of Frog Farming. It is the ‘how’ of Frog Farming. The act of diminishing men and the attitude that they deserve to be diminished. Castration is how all women bring out the worst in men.” (pp. 81-82)

“Over time, when a man is castrated in a relationship, in a family, in an organization — even in a society — he will respond to women in a way the opposite of his nature. One of his initial reactions will be to keep his distance instead of seeking intimacy.” (p. 82)

“Over time, castration will cause a man to anticipate women with suspicion instead of trust.” Karen nodded, “That makes sense. What else?” She saw Claudia look deliberately at Kimberlee as she said, “Instead of respect, which men naturally have for women, it causes men to treat women with disdain.” (p. 84)

“Women can be hunters. But estrogen shapes the brain more for gathering and tending. If you look at women as gatherers, much of their behavior becomes more obvious. There is not nearly the danger, challenge or excitement in a gather as in a hunt. But there is an enormous amount of information and experience that goes into that basket with the fruits and nuts. Upon returning from a ‘meadow,’ a gatherer will relay to other members of her tribe the pertinent information. She expects others to listen and retain it. To repeat herself would be to insult their intelligence or memories, same as she would be insulted.” (p. 100)

How Women Emasculate Men • Withhold appreciation • Withhold admiration • Withhold participation • Withhold sex • Don't let them impress you • Compare unfavorably – be impressed by someone else • Don't trust them • Assume insincerity • Don't need them for anything important to you • Be disinterested in their passions • Complain • Expect them to act the same as girls/women • Don't let them help you • Demean their earning abilities • Blow off their suggestions and ideas • Ignore them • Criticize them • Interrupt them • Take over something you gave them to do • Demean their virility • Shut down their storytelling

(p. 109)

“If you give him enough power to handle you, he will not feel overwhelmed and need to steal yours through objectification.” Claudia concluded, “Because there is no alternative: men and women are going to both be powerful, or both be weak. That is how it works.” (p. 120)

Men are nurtured—literally fed energy— merely by being in the presence of a contented woman. They do not need to pay attention to her for it to matter that she is there. If she is happy, they are getting recharged.” Looking from one to the other, Claudia added, “Even a young boy will care that his mother is on the premises, although he may seem oblivious to her.” (p. 123)

“Everything about women can overwhelm men. Because of how sensitive they are to women. Because of how fascinated and nurtured and enlivened and inspired they are by women. Because of how men need women.” Karen gasped, “Men need women?” Claudia nodded, “Men need women. They know it and most of them accept it. They are not working on getting over it. They are working on getting enough of us.” (p. 122)

“Giving up the right to castrate men forever does not mean that you will never do it again. Besides a knee-jerk reaction to fear, frustration and pressure, it is an old habit. It will take some time to replace it with the Language of Heroes. And with confidence in getting your needs met.” Karen felt Claudia looking pointedly at her. “It does mean you give up the practice of treating men as if they are misbehaving and deserve to be punished. It does mean you challenge the attitude that men's power must be limited for women to be safe.” (p. 124)

“It does mean that you will not justify having emasculated a man. When you catch yourself rationalizing your behavior, you stop. And you apologize. It is important to apologize simply and sincerely for your reaction. And drop it. If you go on and on, as with a child whose boo boos need to be kissed, that will be emasculating in another way. If you stop the behavior, apologize for it, and move on, he will recover himself. Men are enormously resilient. Though they are vulnerable, they are not fragile. It is important to respect that.” (p. 125)

“You have got to catch yourself thinking from the misconception that men are misbehaving women. They are not. They do not think like us, nor feel like us — and they are not motivated by the same things.” (p. 147)

“The makeup of the masculine brain causes it to focus on one result. It commits itself to the accomplishment of that result, and screens out everything that is irrelevant to that result. This is virtually the opposite of the feminine brain.” (p. 147)

“Men want to accomplish something for the impact that it has. Specifically, the impact on you. How will this make your life better? Easier? More fun? More satisfying? In other words, what will it ‘Provide?’” (p. 151)

“Since providing is at the heart of a man, the word ‘provide’ resonates with who they are at their core. Everything they focus on is in order to provide something for someone. And when they do, to some extent, they become a hero.” (p. 152)

“I think the point of the feminist movement was to establish men and women as equals. With equal opportunities, equal respect and equal appreciation for our contributions to each other and our society…What if there is a world of difference between depending upon men to provide and allowing men to provide? Between the ability to do something yourself, and constantly needing to prove that ability? Men are not compelled to provide for women because they think women are unable to do for themselves. They respect and count on how capable we are. They simply want to provide. It gives men their purpose. What I am trying to say is … that if they already know how smart you are, how capable you are, how competent you are, maybe you do not have to prove it all the time by not letting them provide for you.” (pp. 160-161)

“Men provide for women because they cherish us. And by emasculating them, by proving we don't need them to provide, we turn that into competition. It is a vicious cycle. By competing with men, proving which of us can be the better provider, we interrupt their desire to provide for us. Worse yet, we dishonor their honoring of us. Because we do not honor ourselves. Women in our society are constantly trying to impress men. Because they do not know that men are already well beyond being impressed. They adore us. And they try to be worthy of it by being great providers.” (p. 161)

“The Queen's Code is about partnership. One of the biggest benefits of the feminist movement is the opportunity to be equal partners. But women will never truly be liberated, and free to be queens, until we are free of our misconceptions about our partners. Including the idea that we think the same, speak the same, and are motivated by the same things.” (p. 162)

“Providing for your wife grants you the privilege of being a husband and her appreciation makes it one of the best things in the world. It's right at the heart of being a man.” (p. 167).

“Most women these days won't let a man provide for them. They want to be the provider. It's a standoff of dueling providers and a man can't give way without being emasculated. But fighting to provide; it's usually not worth the energy. Men can't win either way.” (p. 168).

“Almost everything great about sex depends on Karen feeling secure with me and letting herself experience my love for her in this way. When she surrenders to me and lets me give her pleasure, my entire spirit is altered. I'm lifted to another dimension. The boundaries blur. I flow into her and sometimes I feel her flowing into me. Afterwards, the connection I feel to her nurtures me for days. Truly. I'm not exaggerating.” Code (p. 192)

“And it can work in reverse as well. Which is another reason I encourage couples to have sex more often than their physical desire is telling them to. The physical union can reestablish the spiritual connection. It can heal it.” (p. 198)

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